Sketch: How to Lose a Prize You Were Winning

Dramatised from real events. The groups are real; the dialogue is not. Any resemblance to how the EPP will handle January is a coincidence the EPP should worry about.

STRASBOURG, Thursday morning. The Conference of Presidents — Roberta Metsola and the group leaders, each voting with the weight of their group — meets to pick the 2026 Sakharov Prize. Three finalists: Tanzanian opposition leader Tundu Lissu, jailed on treason charges (EPP and ECR); the International Criminal Court (S&D); Iranian sisters Taraneh and Romina Rahimi (Patriots).

EPP: Lissu. A brave democrat facing the death penalty. Obviously.
ECR: Lissu. Same.
S&D: The International Criminal Court.
RENEW: The Court.
GREENS: The Court.
THE LEFT: The Court. Also, capitalism.
EPP (counting on fingers): Fine. We and the ECR are about 270 votes. The left side of the room is about 300. (Turns hopefully to the right.) Patriots? You've got 85. A jailed opposition leader in Africa — it's practically your brand.
PATRIOTS: Remind us. Who voted to keep us off the vice-presidencies in 2024?
EPP: That was a matter of principle. This is a matter of arithmetic.
PATRIOTS: Lovely. We abstain.
EPP: On a man facing execution?
PATRIOTS: On you.

The ICC wins. The left side of the hemicycle applauds. The EPP spokesman explains that the outcome reflects the rich pluralism of European democracy.

According to parliamentary sources quoted by Il Sole 24 Ore and Agence Europe, that is more or less what happened: every group backed its own candidate, the Patriots rejected all three and abstained in the second round, and with Lissu stuck at the EPP–ECR total, the Court collected the most support. The moral matters more than the prize. The EPP has spent this term running two majorities: the centrist one with Socialists and Liberals, and the right-wing one it borrows on migration and the Green Deal. It works brilliantly as long as the two sides never notice they can say no at the same time. This week they did, by accident, over a human-rights award. Now comes January, when Parliament re-elects its President and its fourteen vice- presidents. If the EPP again insists on shutting the Patriots out of the Bureau while asking for their votes whenever it suits, it may discover that a cordon sanitaire works in both directions — and that a Socialist party with nothing to lose and a Patriot group with something to prove make an extremely awkward, extremely effective blocking minority. Nobody in Strasbourg would call that an alliance. They would just call it Thursday.

Frugals Bravely Defend Europe From Having a Future

BRUSSELS — Leaders of the so-called frugal countries returned home triumphant last weekend after successfully ensuring that the European Union's seven-year budget remains exactly as unfinished as it was in June. The Commission had proposed roughly €1.76 trillion for 2028–2034. The Irish presidency then shaved well over €100 billion off it in the hope of pleasing everyone, and pleased no one. At the 15–16 October summit the frugals looked at the compromise, looked at a continent losing ground to the United States and China in every industry that still plugs into a wall socket, and concluded that the real threat to Europe's prosperity is common debt. "We have studied the problem carefully," said a spokesman for the frugal mindset, who does not exist but could be any of them. "Europe has weak demand, no champions in the technologies that matter, and an industrial base slowly being sold for parts. The solution is obvious: spend less, borrow nothing, and keep our rebates. It worked beautifully in 1996." Observers noted that the countries most attached to the 1990s playbook are also those with the most to lose from a stagnant single market, which buys most of what they export. Asked whether starving the EU of investment might eventually hurt their own exporters, frugal officials reportedly requested the question in writing, with a cost-benefit analysis and a sunset clause. Migration offers a particularly elegant example. In their 28 September letter, the six frugal leaders asked that EU money be focused on, among other things, the fight against irregular migration — while also demanding that the budget shrink by several hundred billion euros. Days later, on 2 October, Frontex stopped taking new cases for its return- and-reintegration programme because the 2026 money had run out, according to Politico, with the agency's spokesman noting that a more ambitious return policy is hard to run without the funds to pay for it. The new returns rules, meanwhile, give Frontex more work, not less. Capitals are expected to resolve the contradiction the traditional way: by issuing a joint statement praising Frontex, followed by a footnote cutting it. German Chancellor Friedrich Merz, who wants even deeper cuts, set expectations for December by advising colleagues to pack a few extra shirts. Leaders will now try again at an extraordinary summit on 26–27 November, where they are expected to make historic progress towards scheduling another summit.

Meloni Warns of Pitchforks; Interpreter Delivers Cutlery

The highlight of the summit came after 10 p.m. on Thursday, during a bad-tempered row over the Emissions Trading System. According to Corriere della Sera, Giorgia Meloni switched from English to Italian, raised her voice and warned colleagues that if energy prices stayed where they are, citizens all over Europe — not just in Italy — would sooner or later come after them with pitchforks. The English interpretation reportedly rendered the pitchforks as something like "too forks" or "two forks". Northern leaders, already exhausted, briefly wondered whether Italy was threatening them or inviting them to dinner. Greek Prime Minister Kyriakos Mitsotakis gallantly stepped in to clarify, explaining that pitchforks are farm tools used to shift cow manure. Diplomats say this was the moment the room finally understood the EU's energy policy. The laughter broke the tension, and the amendment backed by Italy, Greece, Cyprus, Hungary, Poland, Czechia and Slovakia on the carbon market made it into the conclusions. Sources confirm the Council's interpreting service is now drafting a glossary of agricultural implements, to be adopted unanimously sometime before 2034.

Parliament Groups Hold Dramatic Elections, Re-Elect Everyone

STRASBOURG — In a breathtaking display of democratic renewal, the European Parliament's three centrist groups met on 20 October to elect their leaders for the second half of the term and, after hours of suspense lasting several seconds, chose the people who were already there.

EPP. Manfred Weber, who has led the group since 2014, was confirmed by secret ballot with 93.7 percent. No one challenged him. One senior MEP told Euronews beforehand that nobody would even think of trying. Weber's supporters say the result validates his strategy of passing EPP positions with whatever majority is available that day, including the one sitting to his right. The only real contest was for the ten vice-chair seats, with twelve candidates. In the end, Rapporteur reports, exactly one thing changed: Hungary's Eszter Lakos of Tisza joined the top team, while Portugal's Lídia Pereira left it. Tisza is the party of Péter Magyar, himself a former Fidesz insider, and the Hungarians argued they had earned a seat by dethroning Viktor Orbán. Hungarian MEPs in the EPP are now officially Orbán-free, freshly laundered and smelling of lavender, and the group would like everyone to stop sniffing. Italy's Massimiliano Salini of Forza Italia was re-elected vice-chair, which matters for later in this newsletter. Not everyone in the EPP is up for re-election, of course. The person who arguably matters most never faces a ballot: the group's secretary-general, whom Rapporteur profiled this week as the power behind Weber's throne. Mention her name in the corridors, the outlet reports, and the hushed replies convey both respect and fear. Allies credit her with making the group more disciplined and united; detractors complain of a tense atmosphere among the 268 staff and of unnecessary bluntness. The group's spokesman summed it up diplomatically: she can take tough decisions. Rumour has it she now eyes the Parliament's top administrative job. MEPs in some national delegations are said to be taking the news calmly, in the sense that they are saying nothing at all on the record.

S&D. Iratxe García Pérez was re-elected by acclamation, making her the longest-serving leader in the group's history. She thanked colleagues for a "shared mandate", which in socialist terms means everybody shares the risk if Pedro Sánchez has a bad night at the polls. Corridor gossip (unconfirmed, and offered in the spirit of Strasbourg canteen speculation) has it that for now nobody questions García. The Italian PD delegation, united on almost nothing else, remains firmly united on keeping its posts. The ones watching most closely are said to be the northern Social Democrats: should Madrid stumble, centre-left parties across the continent will treat the January presidency vote as a fight for survival. Some reason that a party with nothing left to lose might as well field a candidate — Katarina Barley's name was already floated last summer — against Roberta Metsola. They would probably lose, but the point would be to make the EPP choose, on the record, between its old partners and the right flank it keeps voting with.

Renew. Valérie Hayer was re-elected by acclamation as sole candidate. Liberal sources describe the atmosphere as "overwhelming", which is also how liberals describe their polling numbers, for different reasons.

Everyone else. The Parliament's formal mid-term reshuffle, including the presidency, comes in January 2027. Until then, the ECR and the Patriots continue their thrilling race for third place, conducted mainly by counting Bulgarians.

Saint Benedict Finally Gets a Room

With no money for defence, no money for industry and no agreement on the budget, the European Parliament has done the one thing it can still afford: it has named a room. The ECR meeting room in Strasbourg now bears the name of Saint Benedict of Nursia, patron saint of Europe, following a campaign by the conservatives that Nicola Procaccini called a political victory many years in the making. Parliament Vice-President Antonella Sberna described Benedict as the man who united Europe culturally long before anyone united it politically. The choice is apt. Benedict's Rule asks for prayer, work, moderation, stability and obedience to a single authority — five things the Union has not managed in years. Officials are reportedly studying whether Ora et labora can be adopted as the MFF's guiding principle, on the grounds that prayer is free and the frugals have no objection to it.

Metsola Hands Out Prize, Prize Hands Back Irony

Few politicians have been more closely associated with the memory of Daphne Caruana Galizia than Roberta Metsola, who, like the murdered journalist, is Maltese. So the President had every reason to look forward to this year's Daphne Caruana Galizia Prize for Journalism, awarded in the Strasbourg press room that bears Daphne's name. Then the independent jury, choosing from 344 entries, picked Giacomo Zandonini and Maite Vermeulen of De Correspondent for an investigation into Italy's migrant centres in Albania — and into the Dutch government's wish to copy them. The authors used the stage to warn that offshore deals of this kind bring human-rights risks, high costs and few results. The awkward part, as Il Fatto Quotidiano noted, is that in June the same Parliament approved the new EU return regulation, which allows removals to so-called return hubs outside the Union on the basis of an agreement — in other words, the Italy–Albania model, now promoted to European best practice. Metsola's statement on the prize focused firmly on press freedom and steered well clear of the substance of the winning work. Officials confirm that next year's jury will be encouraged to consider investigations into topics on which Parliament has not yet legislated, assuming any remain.

Sketch: Parliament Debates Angry Young People

A work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual MEPs is regrettable but probably accurate.

As young people clashed with police in Paris, Brussels and Tirana over the cost of living and the cost of studying — and as swarms of hooded teenagers smashed shop windows and looted stores around Milan's Piazza del Duomo for two days running, with some 200 people detained, around 80 percent of them minors, while Bologna and Turin were also hit and the government sent troops to Milan — Parliament held its customary emergency debate, scheduled with the urgency the institution reserves for crises: namely, three weeks later.

LEFT BENCHES: These young people are not rioters. They are a generation crying out for affordable housing. That car was on fire because it was a symbol of late capitalism.
RIGHT BENCHES: Law and order! Deport the car!
CENTRE BENCHES: We call for a balanced approach and a study.
THE YOUNG PEOPLE (absent, could not afford the train to Strasbourg): — The debate concluded with a resolution calling on young people to engage constructively with democratic institutions, adopted by a chamber with an average age that suggests otherwise.

Breaking: Closed-Door Budget Meeting Briefly Goes Open-Door

STRASBOURG — Thursday morning, as the plenary emptied and MEPs sprinted for the trains, rapporteurs and shadow rapporteurs from the Budget, Regional Development and Agriculture committees sat down behind closed doors to carve up roughly €800 billion of the next budget's National and Regional Partnership Plans. The meeting was, by all accounts, very confidential — right up until EPP MEP Andrey Novakov reportedly asked a Patriots group adviser to stop the recording or video call she was running. According to Il Fatto Quotidiano, citing two people in the room, the meeting then carried on as planned, with the adviser keeping her seat. Who was on the other end of the line remains unclear; unconfirmed versions mention journalists hoping for a scoop. The adviser had not replied to the paper's request for comment at the time of publication. Parliament insiders were quick to reassure the public that the integrity of closed-door meetings remains fully intact, provided everybody in them agrees not to press "share screen". A spokesperson for transparency welcomed the development as the first time in years that anyone outside the room has been told what happens to cohesion funds.

Green Deal Patch Tuesday

The pro-European majority announced this week that it is still pro-European, but would like a word about the cars. On 20 October the EPP, the Socialists and Renew struck a deal on the automotive package which, by early accounts, unpicks the zero-emissions requirement for new cars from 2035. The Commission had already proposed in December turning the outright ban into a 90 percent reduction, with the rest covered by low-carbon steel and sustainable fuels. The rapporteur is the freshly re-elected Massimiliano Salini, who has long called the revision a historic chance to correct course. Supporters hailed the deal as a victory for common sense, given that Europe has neither the charging network nor a domestic battery industry capable of making the 2035 deadline anything more than a national holiday for Chinese carmakers. Critics called it the latest in a series of patches applied to the previous term's legislation, which the Parliament now spends much of its time politely un-legislating. The Commission confirmed that the Green Deal remains fully intact, apart from the bits that have been removed, delayed, reviewed, simplified or turned into an omnibus.

Deus nos salvet a chao. See you next week, if the summit allows.